Ever since I was a young child I’ve been “big”, or at least felt that way. Being 5 Feet tall and 100 lbs when you’re 9 years old can do that to you. All my friends, until well into high school, were always quite a bit smaller (shorter) than I, not to mention the fact that all the boys were smaller as well. This does a lot to distort the view of one’s self. I got teased for years and never felt like I “fit” in. As an adult I can look from a more outward perspective and I was by no means fat, tall yes, fat no.
During my senior year of high school I was playing a lot of softball and was looking forward to a scholarship for the coming school year. I had for some reason gained a little bit of weight; I was very active but gained some weight. I had a very toxic boyfriend and lifestyle at the time and this is when it things started to turn south.
Fast forward to freshman year of college – I lost my softball scholarship due to having shoulder surgery and a few months later my Mom passed away, it was a a lot to handle. I continued experimenting with the starvation I’d started Sr year of highs school and struggling with distorted body image. Instead of the gaining the “freshman 15” I lost it and more. I wish I could say this was due to healthy living. I had continued experimenting with starvation and unhealthy eating patterns and bad lifestyle choices. Somewhere during my freshman year after my mom’s death my “experimenting” turned into a way of life when I started purging after the majority of my meals. I LOVE food, so starving myself wasn’t an option. I have no problem throwing up, I had a weak stomach as a child so I got used it. I kept this all to myself and away from even my closest relationships.
This next part is hard for me to share, there are only a few people who know this. In the next years passing I only got worse and more self-destructive. I became VERY self-absorbed and very body obsessed. The binging and purging only got worse. I then had situations arise to where I had a forced therapist intervention of sorts. In the months following I really worked through a lot of issues, and on top of it all I had a Personal Trainer who was willing to work with me for free to help me out. This made a HUGE difference. The next big step I took was going back to church (I’m LDS). I gained a very strong personal testimony that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ love me individually, and can give me any and all of the support that I need. The next step was meeting my husband. After my “treatment” and revelations I only had 4 relapses and since I’ve had my children I’ve had NONE! Having children has made me recognize my worth and that I would never want my children to go through what I have gone through.
It’s so important to remember your worth and that no matter the numbers on the scale, tape measure or calorie counter, you are a son or daughter of Heavenly Father and He loves you and can help you. He wants you to be healthy and take care of the body He gave to you. It’s also important to fight the desire to judge, compare, and/or obsess over what you look like and pay more attention to your health. Keeping healthy is the most important aspect, the RIGHT* size waist, and the RIGHT number on the scale will appear. *Right meaning what’s healthy, not necessarily what the world sees as right.
There’s my story. I hope this helps anyone. It’s not easy to share and admit that I have had problems like this. I still struggle everyday with body image, almost like an addict with their addiction. I know that getting and staying healthy is the one of the best things I/ you can do to improve your self-image.
During my senior year of high school I was playing a lot of softball and was looking forward to a scholarship for the coming school year. I had for some reason gained a little bit of weight; I was very active but gained some weight. I had a very toxic boyfriend and lifestyle at the time and this is when it things started to turn south.
Fast forward to freshman year of college – I lost my softball scholarship due to having shoulder surgery and a few months later my Mom passed away, it was a a lot to handle. I continued experimenting with the starvation I’d started Sr year of highs school and struggling with distorted body image. Instead of the gaining the “freshman 15” I lost it and more. I wish I could say this was due to healthy living. I had continued experimenting with starvation and unhealthy eating patterns and bad lifestyle choices. Somewhere during my freshman year after my mom’s death my “experimenting” turned into a way of life when I started purging after the majority of my meals. I LOVE food, so starving myself wasn’t an option. I have no problem throwing up, I had a weak stomach as a child so I got used it. I kept this all to myself and away from even my closest relationships.
This next part is hard for me to share, there are only a few people who know this. In the next years passing I only got worse and more self-destructive. I became VERY self-absorbed and very body obsessed. The binging and purging only got worse. I then had situations arise to where I had a forced therapist intervention of sorts. In the months following I really worked through a lot of issues, and on top of it all I had a Personal Trainer who was willing to work with me for free to help me out. This made a HUGE difference. The next big step I took was going back to church (I’m LDS). I gained a very strong personal testimony that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ love me individually, and can give me any and all of the support that I need. The next step was meeting my husband. After my “treatment” and revelations I only had 4 relapses and since I’ve had my children I’ve had NONE! Having children has made me recognize my worth and that I would never want my children to go through what I have gone through.
It’s so important to remember your worth and that no matter the numbers on the scale, tape measure or calorie counter, you are a son or daughter of Heavenly Father and He loves you and can help you. He wants you to be healthy and take care of the body He gave to you. It’s also important to fight the desire to judge, compare, and/or obsess over what you look like and pay more attention to your health. Keeping healthy is the most important aspect, the RIGHT* size waist, and the RIGHT number on the scale will appear. *Right meaning what’s healthy, not necessarily what the world sees as right.
There’s my story. I hope this helps anyone. It’s not easy to share and admit that I have had problems like this. I still struggle everyday with body image, almost like an addict with their addiction. I know that getting and staying healthy is the one of the best things I/ you can do to improve your self-image.
We've been friends for how long and I never knew all that. Thanks for putting it out there and hopefully it will touch someone who might be dealing with the same type of issue. We are daughters of Heavenly Father. He'll love us no matter what but we need to do what we can to ourselves to show him our gratitude. I love you Jamie!! I miss you! I would love you to be my personal trainer
ReplyDeleteI miss you too Kim. Hope the 5K training is going well!!
ReplyDeleteThose pictures don't look bad enough to be "before" pictures, they look almost like "after" pictures except for your facial expression. :) I never purged, but there were many times I was too depressed to eat. In fact, I'm pretty sure that's why I wasn't able to breastfeed after 6months. Even recently I've been through periods where the only meal of the day I'd eat was dinner, and that's only because I had to make it for Lincoln (so I might as well eat too).
ReplyDeleteReading this brought up so many memories of that crazy time; I'm glad it's over. You're a wonderful example to me and I'm always so impressed by you. Now hurry up and move home. Love you.
ReplyDelete